Beach Etiquette Rule #2: Visiting a Nude Beach

Discover the joys of nude beaches

By Steve Huebl

If you’re like me, you generally prefer to keep your private parts, well, private.

But there’s no denying the sense of freedom that comes with stripping down to your birthday suit, particularly out on the beach with the sun beaming down on your body.

If it’s your first time, there are actually a few rules that you’ll want to take note of if you don’t want to stick out as a newbie nudie.

• Check to see if the beach is clothing optional or a full-on nude beach. If it’s the former, feel free to leave on your swim shorts, even though that effectively defeats the whole purpose. If you’ve arrived at a full-fledged nude beach on the other hand, you’re not there to gawk, you’re there to get nude, so start stripping down.

• No photos. If you’re looking for nude photos, there are more than enough on the internet. This is just obnoxious behaviour at a nude beach. Do you want nude photos of yourself sprouting up on naturist-themed websites? I didn’t think so, so leave the camera at home or in the bag. You’re not at a zoo.

• No binoculars. If you ever wanted to stand out like a fart in an elevator, carry binoculars with you. In other words, this is a big no-no. You’re not Christopher Columbus discovering new lands, or a bird watcher in search of exotic birds.

• Don’t stare. Just because the previous rule outlawed photography doesn’t give you the right to stare. Not everybody has a high level of self-confidence, especially when nude, and you staring like a deer caught in headlights won’t help. If you absolutely must gawk, at least wear sunglasses.

• Keep your hormones in check. You haven’t just arrived at an all-in orgy-on-the-beach, so don’t think you’ll be getting any action just because you’re naked. Sexual activity at nude beaches is frowned upon, not to mention illegal. And for guys who suddenly experience an uncontrollable erection, best remedy is to roll over and wait it out. Don’t forget to fill in the imprint.

• Bring sunscreen and apply liberally everywhere. EVERYWHERE!

• Bring a towel. It’s one thing to sit bare-assed on the beach, but when you head back to the nearest beach-bar, proper etiquette dictates placing a towel on the chair before sitting down. If you don’t, it will be like rubbing butts with the guys who sat there before you, and you don’t want that, trust me. The guy looked like a gorilla.

• Don’t bend over. Let’s just leave it at that.

• Guys, be prepared for the cold water. We all know what happens in cold water. Things are going to shrink a little, but that’s just the price you’re going to have to pay.

Hope these tips help. If you have any more to offer, please feel free to leave them in the comment section below. Happy beaching!